Alice.

Friday April 25, 2008

I have to say, other than being stuck in a physical body that hates me (I may have that mixed up, but I've got a mounting sleep debt, so forgive me,) hormone replacement therapy has a few benefits I didn't immediately appreciate. I have no libido to speak of, which is nice. It gives me an oddly clinical view of the human condition (read: pornography). It's given me breasts, which is good, because they're one of the few things that fit me, take that as you will. It's given me a sense of smell, 'cause anosmia stinks. (See what I did there?)

Other than that (and I mean, holy shit, I've been on these things for nearly the 672 days my counter states) and an overwhelming stress level at work, there has been absolutely zero forward progress. I look at what I will losey call "my friend's blogs" and have a dichotomy of feeling. I'm happy that they're doing so goddess-be-damned well. I'm sad that I'm not seeing similar progress. It's natural, I guess, to compare oneself to others in a competitive way, even for stupid things. That's why we have every single television show that shows people worse off than the average. It's to make oneself feel better about being oneself. But shows that show others better off aren't popular.

I'll be uploading a few things (finally) to my music section. I have worked on a few pieces from various old-school Nintendo games, amongst random keyboard bashings. Huh. Who knew "bashings" wouldn't be in my computer's dictionary.

Now, as some of my multitude of readers may already know, I smoke. I've been pondering the reasons behind it. While my original reason was good (ignoring the stupidity of killing oneself, but I'll leave that discussion for another time,) I've found a number of additional reasons that are also quite good, at least for me. I have no idea why other people smoke. It's monumentally stupid. Cancer is no joke, and I'm astonished that the government hasn't banned it. Suicide is illegal (go figure) and smoking is perfectly equal to killing yourself. I think the illegality of former may be related to society wanting productive members thereof, and being dead means you aren't being productive.

The list is short, and I would hope, somewhat interesting. I'll preface all of this by stating that I will be going to my M.D. with this list (no, not actually a list on paper, though I did that once and she found it quite amusing,) and asking if there are other ways to accomplish the same ends without the side effect of death. I like being productive. (On second thought, these aren't all reasons, per se. Some are just effects, beneficial or not.

1. My original reason revolved around smoking being a social activity. I did it while travelling (a lot; by which I mean a lot of travelling, not smoking) whereupon I could meet new people, and study them. In the wholly scientific reports I published in the journal of Duh, I found smokers to be a lot more sociable bunch than the non-smokers. Non-smoker travelling companions were generally a suspicious bunch, sort-of like they were all on a bizarre hidden-camera survivor episode. As smokers become more and more rare, I expect the sociability (is that a word? My comp's dictionary says it is) to only increase.
2. Now comes the fun reasons. First, it keeps me regular. I'm not sure if it's the nicotine directly, or one of the ancillary beneficial chemicals like hydrogen cyanide or benzene. Before picking up smoking I would pass solid matter a handful of times per week maximum. Yes, personal detail. Insert obligatory TMI here. It seems to keep my cilia moving at a faster rate. Cool, but weird.
3. It makes me disoriented and drowsy. This isn't a good thing, nessicarily, but may just be a side-effect of the other processes going on. For 10 minutes after a smoke, beginning about half-way through one of those stupidly small 'normal' ones for Canada, and fading in intensity, I am somewhat disoriented and clumsy. I'm pretty sure this isn't one of the "it happens to everyone" effects. I have no strange eye movement like I'm dizzy, and I can focus fine on everything, and yet I'm still oddly uncoordinated. I obviously get the same effect smoking marijuana, though that drug's effects last far longer. This particular effect is mediated by how much nicotine I have in my bloodstream. If I smoke often, the disorientation is lessened in strength and duration, as is the drowsiness.
4. It keeps me from dreaming, or at least remembering my dreams. I'm not sure if it actually effects my REM cycles by preventing me from entering REM altogether, in which case I should be insane by now, or by delaying or advancing the transition to REM sleep. In either case, it prevents me from having my usual (and highly disturbing) dream/nightmares. If I don't have a smoke for around 48 hours, they return; basically on the second sleep cycle into the future. If I have a smoke before bed (less time reading, blogging, or watching a 40 minute episode of House on my laptop) I tend to get to sleep faster, sleep more soundly, and wake more well-rested. These dreams, by the way, are consistent, recurring, and vivid. The same people, same environment, I can control actions, and I can read the newspapers. In one of them I went to a convention… wait, that one was real.
5. It helps me concentrate, negating the effects from ADD or whatever-the-hell acronym I actually have. I can get some serious work done after a smoke. As a non-chemical-induced benefit, it also gives me 5 minutes alone to think on the problem at hand without the pressure of keeping my hands typing for no reason. My boss sits next to me, is my father, and loves micro-managing. And by loves, I mean he doesn't realize he's doing it and takes it as a personal affront if I confront him about it. I guess confrontation may be why he takes it as an affront… I don't know. People are strange; family, doubly so.
6. It helps me maintain a healthy appetite. Before picking up smoking, I never ate breakfast. Ever. The thought of breakfast would make me ill in the morning. (Ill as in queasy, not ill as in projectile vomiting. The thought of the latter is amusing, but messy.)

On the left, I'll probably come up with additional effects. On the right, they'll probably suck. And on the gripping hand, they may be interesting. I'll have to sleep on it.

Tonight I shall sleep well, at least.

— Alice.